Just because someone wears glasses doesn’t mean they’re smart.
Or sophisticated.
Or the owner of an impressive vinyl collection.
They just have bad vision.
Blah, blah. Glasses add character. They’re a fashion statement. And I think we can all [1] agree that Dr. Drew is sexy as hell.
I get it.
None of this changes the fact that for too long, we’ve placed the half blind in an elite class, obtainable by the lowly full visioned only upon purchase of faux specs from Claire’s Boutique, or some other godforsaken corner of the mall.
It’s not fair. Not to those whose face organs work just fine, and certainly not to the rest of the world’s half-handicaps, those of us who’ve lived in shadow for too long.
Yeah. I’m talking about the half-deafs.
If you don’t know any of us, or haven’t figured out how to get on our ‘good side,’ I suggest you remedy that immediately. We’re also very interesting, and have lots of valuable qualities. (We just don’t wear it all over our faces like some people.)
As children, half-deafs are the perfect people to befriend. Want to talk to us during class? Go ahead! You won’t get in trouble! Just whisper whatever you’d like into our deaf side, watch us turn in our seat, to ask you ‘What?’ and then enjoy recess as we get our name on the board (again) for talking.
Half-deafs are great listeners at any age. Stand on the right[2] side of us, and you have our undivided attention. Think we’re going to abandon you for a more interesting conversation? We can’t. We don’t even know they’re going on!
If you do happen to be on the quiet side of a half deaf, there are benefits for you as well! Have social anxiety or general insecurity? Feel free to feed them both, as you vie futilely for our attention. Convince yourself that you’re being ignored. Ah, delicious self -pity! You’re welcome. Just tip your waitress[3].
Perhaps you haven’t had a nice uncomfortable moment in a while. Find a crowded area, and stand on our quiet side. (Make sure your half-deaf can’t swap sides with you.) Then whisper something into their ornamental ear, forcing them to turn close for clarification. Then, make it abundantly clear that you’ve forgotten you’re talking to a half-deaf, and make them feel awkward, as you clearly wonder why they’re sticking their face in yours.
Snorers, early risers, and other nocturnal pariahs should absolutely seek out half-deafs as bedmates. With our convenient ‘total silence’ feature, (quiet ear up), we can sleep through sirens, sleep talking, and important alarm clocks, and will never make you feel bad about it[4]!
Give us a red eye flight, park bench, or booth at our hostessing job at Chili’s. We will sleep on it! When you’re wearing nature’s Bose headphones, the world is your Tempuredic mattress!
Look, we have a ways to go. No one’s rushing out to buy vintage hearing aid frames for the next Arcade Fire concert. No one assumes that we got this way because we blasted too many books on tape as teenagers. But we’re making strides every day[5]. Go ahead, find yourself a half-deaf. We’re waiting for you.
Smiling.
Laughing.
(We don’t really know what you’re saying.)
[1] Data compiled based on random survey of inhabitants of my apartment. Dog chose not to participate.
[2] In my case, left.
[3] Do that anyway.
[4] Might blame you for the alarm thing. Sorry. I’m a bitch without my coffee.
[5] Attempting to wrap my infantile brain around the asinine and absurd concept of adulthood.
