Hey guys, what do you think of this res/cover letter?
Dear Sir or Madam:
Thank you for looking at my resume.
Below, please find my other resume. 'My resume, the deleted scenes,’ if you will. I look forward to your thoughts.
Shitty Job Resume
Waitress on and off for some time
(Multiple Establishments Existing in Varying Degrees of Squalor)
-learned to discriminate against old people, people with children, and various minorities.
-utilized various tools to steal fries off customer’s plate before delivery to table.
-became acutely aware that tips should be 20% unless something is seriously wrong. Trust me on this.
-developed an excellent tolerance to cockroaches, germs, and sexual harassment
Senior Citizen’s Aerobics Teacher two years. i know.
(An Adult School. The Kind That Have Pamphlets at the Library)
-piloted aerobics program based on absolutely no knowledge of aerobics.
-attended various “class parties” that were thrown by students in the middle of a weekday afternoon in the back yards of Beverly Hills estates, wherein belly dancing and potlucking would ensue.
- attempted to improvise hour long chair aerobics routine, and quit after five minutes.
Retail Associate short periods of insanity
(Multiple Retail Establishments at Outlet and Otherwise Heinous Malls)
-donned a variety of humiliating stickers, basketball jersey’s, and mannish visors, all of which served to increase sense of shame by 52% in one year alone.
-developed intense hatred for weekends, holidays, and any other time intended for fun.
-abused employee discount in the name of ‘pay back,’
Temp (intentionally and unintentionally)
(Buildings That Required Key Cards and had Free Coffee)
-mastered fake ‘professional voice’ for incoming calls
-solidified understanding and appreciation of Mike Judge’s “Office Space”
-used ‘that one responsible looking button up’ and extra perfume to cover up late night antics and give impression of a functioning adult.
-expanded useless knowledge by ten fold, via the internet
-mastered watching of clock count down starting at 4:53 daily
Regular Substitute Teacher too long
--read all sections of newspaper whilst students texted and talked loudly about blow jobs in the back of the room.
-relearned long division, and remembered how good Dorritos are at ten a.m.
-regularly referred to as ‘the shit,’ ‘my favorite,’ and ‘you blaze it, huh?’ by students
Odd Jobs moments of intense despair
(Locations of Ill Repute)
-exercised wide range of skills including: ‘background work’ on UPN comedy, contributing to focus groups, babysitting, selling books online, fliering door knobs, event planning, P.A.ing, putting up signs for AIDS Walk, legal assisting, reviewing spiritual books, and attempting unsuccessfully to be hired on by the Census (despite receiving perfect score on standardized test), and ghost writing essays
Faking minor surgeries to call out sick, Limited ability to tolerate general population, Limited ability to feign enthusiasm for patronizing corporate mottos, Well thought out stories upon abrupt resignations
*References not available. Thank you for understanding.